Liberation and PJs

Today was a different kind of day than I've had in a long, long time.

After Hank died, there was so much to do: funerals to plan, finances to manage, a move for Em (my 4 year old daughter) and I. There were lots of decisions and I almost thrilled at having so many decisions in my life. It gave me back a sense of control that the cancer had taken away. Then when the move was complete and the gravestone was in place I realized that I was running out of decisions to make. I panicked a bit. So, I began to invent things to keep me busy. I made lists and then avoided those lists. It was as if I was trying to feel alive by feeling busy and stressed and even guilty (for not doing all the things I was supposed to do).

Last night as I went to bed I thought, "perhaps I will let Em play with friends and I will just read all day or whatever." It was a liberating thought. I didn't have anything planned and I was ok with that. Em did play with friends, we made Easter cookies, I stayed in my PJs until 4pm. But it wasn't in a cloud-over-my-head kind of way. It was truly just a liberating, peaceful day. A day that didn't include me feeling anxious or guilty or like I was putting off living. I was living and it felt great!